Helping Yourself

My my…..been here…..my church family was so good to me when my family was in need and I didn’t want to need help!

Behind the White Coat

Angel at the Met in NYC

“We are going to bring meals for the next week or two if that is OK. People really want to help out in some way.”

I sat staring at the email and struggled with an answer.

Asking for help is hard.

Receiving unsolicited help gracefully is even harder.

Why?

I don’t need help. I don’t want help. No, that’s not true. I don’t want to need help. I feel guilty needing help. I feel guilty receiving help.

What will other people think? I’m a doctor. I could just order stuff, right? I have a money cushion that a lot of others don’t have. Will I be judged for accepting help? Moooching. Weak. Will I then owe people favors that they will call in later? I don’t want to OWE anyone anything.

To accept a meal, you have to be decently dressed and willing to socialize for a few minutes. Are…

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Rules For My Son

For my boys….from Grandpa Kirby…..sounds like something he would tell you.

Aaron Conrad

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.

2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.

3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king.

4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.

5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially in the end zone.

6. Request the late check-out.

7. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.

8. Hold your heroes to a higher standard.

9. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.

10. Don’t fill up on bread.

11. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look him in the eye.

12. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.

13. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.

14. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket…

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Mommy Guilt

Mommy Guilt
I am struggling today with a huge realization. I did not honor my first born son Baby JJ (2/19/96 — 3/9/96) as I promised. After JJ died, I was given the precious gift of my son Adam born in 2000.

When Adam was born healthy AND he actually came home I was in awe of the miracle of a healthy baby. I was shocked that God chose to give me a healthy perfect infant.  I got a second chance!  I was so grateful for the miracle of the second chance God had given me. I was overprotective, overattentive, overboard, and overwhelmed with gratitude and wonder.

I was determined to be the best mom for Adam….the VERY BEST mom every because I knew what it was like to bury a child. Adam deserved all my best! I recognized how precious Adam was — he was my second chance. I had to be the best because God trusted me with this tiny life after losing Baby JJ.

Today, I realize that I blew it.  I have not been the perfect mom for this overwhelming blessing of a boy. I squandered that blessing because I made mistakes as a mom. Adam did not get my very best every single day as I promised.

As Adam starts his senior year, I look back on things I did and did not do….there are a lot of things I should have done differently.  I wanted to be perfect for him.

But I am not perfect….I count on God’s mercy to forgive me, God’s love to shelter me and keep me safe, God’s love for Adam to protect and guide his life.

I want the best for Adam — God knows what is best for Adam.

I pray that God will guide others to pick up where I left a gaping hole.  God knows where those holes are and He knows when and how to fill them!

I can say I love this boy/man with all of my broken mother’s heart.  God loves me and Adam with the heart of a loving Father!  God loves Adam even more than I love Adam!  (how is that possible???)  Today I will turn over my guilt to my Father and ask him to take it from me.  I’ll ask God to forgive me for where I failed.  I’ll ask God to hold me in his arms tonight when I cry, and to catch Adam when he falls.

 

 

 

4, 3,2,1…Today

A sister shares her journey….

ConqueringKate

Four years ago- 2013

You wanted to do something “different” with your hair. So you came over, loaded with junk food and your Pepsi from Luke’s (gas station). I bleached the “under” part of your hair so that no matter what color you picked to put under it, it would be bright. We stayed up late that night just talking. You will all your gossip. Always having a story to tell.

Three years ago- 2014

We found out you had cancer. There was shock. So much unrealness. Luke’s (gas station) lunch. We needed to eat we were pregnant. Pizza and breadsticks with cheese. We were smiling but so close to tears. I talked about the kids. Brought our hearts back around to joy. Your favorite story of how I went into labor with my #1 the day of your 8th grade valentine’s day dance.

Two years ago-2015

There were issues…

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