I am struggling today with a huge realization. I did not honor my first born son Baby JJ (2/19/96 — 3/9/96) as I promised. After JJ died, I was given the precious gift of my son Adam born in 2000.
When Adam was born healthy AND he actually came home I was in awe of the miracle of a healthy baby. I was shocked that God chose to give me a healthy perfect infant. I got a second chance! I was so grateful for the miracle of the second chance God had given me. I was overprotective, overattentive, overboard, and overwhelmed with gratitude and wonder.
I was determined to be the best mom for Adam….the VERY BEST mom every because I knew what it was like to bury a child. Adam deserved all my best! I recognized how precious Adam was — he was my second chance. I had to be the best because God trusted me with this tiny life after losing Baby JJ.
Today, I realize that I blew it. I have not been the perfect mom for this overwhelming blessing of a boy. I squandered that blessing because I made mistakes as a mom. Adam did not get my very best every single day as I promised.
As Adam starts his senior year, I look back on things I did and did not do….there are a lot of things I should have done differently. I wanted to be perfect for him.
But I am not perfect….I count on God’s mercy to forgive me, God’s love to shelter me and keep me safe, God’s love for Adam to protect and guide his life.
I want the best for Adam — God knows what is best for Adam.
I pray that God will guide others to pick up where I left a gaping hole. God knows where those holes are and He knows when and how to fill them!
I can say I love this boy/man with all of my broken mother’s heart. God loves me and Adam with the heart of a loving Father! God loves Adam even more than I love Adam! (how is that possible???) Today I will turn over my guilt to my Father and ask him to take it from me. I’ll ask God to forgive me for where I failed. I’ll ask God to hold me in his arms tonight when I cry, and to catch Adam when he falls.