Mommy Guilt

Mommy Guilt
I am struggling today with a huge realization. I did not honor my first born son Baby JJ (2/19/96 — 3/9/96) as I promised. After JJ died, I was given the precious gift of my son Adam born in 2000.

When Adam was born healthy AND he actually came home I was in awe of the miracle of a healthy baby. I was shocked that God chose to give me a healthy perfect infant.  I got a second chance!  I was so grateful for the miracle of the second chance God had given me. I was overprotective, overattentive, overboard, and overwhelmed with gratitude and wonder.

I was determined to be the best mom for Adam….the VERY BEST mom every because I knew what it was like to bury a child. Adam deserved all my best! I recognized how precious Adam was — he was my second chance. I had to be the best because God trusted me with this tiny life after losing Baby JJ.

Today, I realize that I blew it.  I have not been the perfect mom for this overwhelming blessing of a boy. I squandered that blessing because I made mistakes as a mom. Adam did not get my very best every single day as I promised.

As Adam starts his senior year, I look back on things I did and did not do….there are a lot of things I should have done differently.  I wanted to be perfect for him.

But I am not perfect….I count on God’s mercy to forgive me, God’s love to shelter me and keep me safe, God’s love for Adam to protect and guide his life.

I want the best for Adam — God knows what is best for Adam.

I pray that God will guide others to pick up where I left a gaping hole.  God knows where those holes are and He knows when and how to fill them!

I can say I love this boy/man with all of my broken mother’s heart.  God loves me and Adam with the heart of a loving Father!  God loves Adam even more than I love Adam!  (how is that possible???)  Today I will turn over my guilt to my Father and ask him to take it from me.  I’ll ask God to forgive me for where I failed.  I’ll ask God to hold me in his arms tonight when I cry, and to catch Adam when he falls.

 

 

 

4, 3,2,1…Today

A sister shares her journey….

ConqueringKate

Four years ago- 2013

You wanted to do something “different” with your hair. So you came over, loaded with junk food and your Pepsi from Luke’s (gas station). I bleached the “under” part of your hair so that no matter what color you picked to put under it, it would be bright. We stayed up late that night just talking. You will all your gossip. Always having a story to tell.

Three years ago- 2014

We found out you had cancer. There was shock. So much unrealness. Luke’s (gas station) lunch. We needed to eat we were pregnant. Pizza and breadsticks with cheese. We were smiling but so close to tears. I talked about the kids. Brought our hearts back around to joy. Your favorite story of how I went into labor with my #1 the day of your 8th grade valentine’s day dance.

Two years ago-2015

There were issues…

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