Lonely tonight…

Hi Mom….tonight is one of those lonely nights. 

I wish there was someone who felt like I do about your death.  I feel so alone….Heather supports me and so does Judy.  It’s different for them.  Heather loves you…and she loves that you shared so much with her at the end.  You and Judy had such a special bond — she misses you too, but different from how I miss you.  That’s grief.  We each hold a different coin with our love and our relationship with you on side and our grief on the other.  Heather and Judy have coins — but they each have a unique coin.

I feel so far away from everyone…emotionally and physically.  I just wanted to say I miss you.  I miss your constant presence in my life.  I miss knowing I could call you and you would listen…no matter what you were doing…I came first….always.

You spoiled me Mom.  I know I can live without you Mom, but sometimes I dont’ feel like I can…like tonight….I miss you.

No one will ever treat me as the treasure that you did.

No one will ever love me like you did.

No one will ever take your place in my life. 

When it is my time to die…like you, I will be looking forward to seeing my mom….just as you felt before you died.  My time will hopefully be a long time from now becuase I love my boys and want to see them grow up.  I want to hang out and watch Heather — she’s so amazing — you never know what she’s going to do next!  I want to work hard and make a difference in my little corner of the world.

So, I’m lonely and I miss you…but I know my place is here.  There was a time when I wasn’t sure I belonged here without you, but that’s grief.  I am well aware of that.  I remember after JJ died, I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay here.  Jane from TCF used to tell me there would come a day when I would choose to live.  She was so right….I did choose to live without JJ.  I’ve gone through that again with your death.  Judy helped me through those darkest days….she misses you too.

I miss you Mom.  You are not here but I am…so I will wipe my tears, get a glass of water, and hug my boys.

Love you so much….

Linda

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5 thoughts on “Lonely tonight…

  1. I know how you feel… I had a “Marie moment” today. It’s hard to believe that it will be one year very soon. Love you!

  2. Thank you for writing in your grief, instead of waiting. I wish there were a way to make it easier for you. I love you. I’m praying for you and the boys because your on my mind.

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