Lonely tonight…

Hi Mom….tonight is one of those lonely nights. 

I wish there was someone who felt like I do about your death.  I feel so alone….Heather supports me and so does Judy.  It’s different for them.  Heather loves you…and she loves that you shared so much with her at the end.  You and Judy had such a special bond — she misses you too, but different from how I miss you.  That’s grief.  We each hold a different coin with our love and our relationship with you on side and our grief on the other.  Heather and Judy have coins — but they each have a unique coin.

I feel so far away from everyone…emotionally and physically.  I just wanted to say I miss you.  I miss your constant presence in my life.  I miss knowing I could call you and you would listen…no matter what you were doing…I came first….always.

You spoiled me Mom.  I know I can live without you Mom, but sometimes I dont’ feel like I can…like tonight….I miss you.

No one will ever treat me as the treasure that you did.

No one will ever love me like you did.

No one will ever take your place in my life. 

When it is my time to die…like you, I will be looking forward to seeing my mom….just as you felt before you died.  My time will hopefully be a long time from now becuase I love my boys and want to see them grow up.  I want to hang out and watch Heather — she’s so amazing — you never know what she’s going to do next!  I want to work hard and make a difference in my little corner of the world.

So, I’m lonely and I miss you…but I know my place is here.  There was a time when I wasn’t sure I belonged here without you, but that’s grief.  I am well aware of that.  I remember after JJ died, I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay here.  Jane from TCF used to tell me there would come a day when I would choose to live.  She was so right….I did choose to live without JJ.  I’ve gone through that again with your death.  Judy helped me through those darkest days….she misses you too.

I miss you Mom.  You are not here but I am…so I will wipe my tears, get a glass of water, and hug my boys.

Love you so much….



Vacation…without you

Hey Mom…

We had the vacation of a lifetime over spring break!  It is something I never would have done with you alive.  I know that your perspective on things from heaven is different than you had while you were here.

I took the boys to California for a week.  We stayed with my Dad and Edna.  This is the part you would not have been comfortable with…so I didn’t do it until now.  My choice – you never said I could not or should not take the boys and stay with my Dad and Edna.  I knew it would make you unhappy and I didn’t want to do that.  So I waited…

This was the right time to go.  The boys were the perfect age to fly with me (as the only adult…I was ready too!), and the boys were the perfect age for Universal and Disney, and SeaWorld in San Diego.

I know you watched us and you were proud of the way the boys behaved.  I know you enjoyed the fun we had – just as you always did when you were with us.  Alex reminded me often that you were with us on the rides and watching the shows!

I love you mom.  I miss you often and still want to call you most days.  But we are okay most days Mom!