Mom….how did you do it? How did you keep your faith all those years? I remember you telling me that you brought Dad to church and he ended up becoming a Christian too. How? I know you struggled with your feelings for our church after you and dad got divorced, but you never left God’s presence. You kept searching for a church. You prayed with your sisters and brother. You never wandered into sin like drinking, smoking, swearing, lying….none of it. You stayed true to your belief in God and His son.
I’m really struggling these days to know – really KNOW that God is real. I feel so abandoned and lonely. I wonder if God’s really there. I don’t pray anymore, I don’t read the Bible, and I haven’t even been going to church. What for? What’s the point? Why would I go if I don’t “live” it all week? I’m just pretending on Sunday if I don’t live it Monday through Saturday, right?
How do I know all the stories are true? David and Goliath, Moses, Noah? Is it all a bunch of folk stories and bull shit? Stories told to make us behave a certain way? Stories told to unify people around a common “God” and work together?
Funny thing is, when someone ELSE questions this I get very defensive. As they say in the military, the training takes over. I do and say all the right things to defend Christianity and perpetuate the outward appearance that I BELIEVE. But do I?
I started to ask God what to do about this job opportunity – as instructed — the other day and I stopped mid sentence. Can’t do it….as Heather says I may as well be talking to the tooth fairy or Santa Claus. (You can bet that if Heather asks me about this I will defend Jesus and my faith in his death on the cross! I’m not going to let my crisis of faith bring HER down!)
I cant’ pray.
I can’t ask God for help and advice.
I listen to Christian music that used to comfort me and strengthen me but I get PISSED OFF.
On top of my own feelings of swirling the drain spiritually, today happened. Kids killed at a grade school. Really? And Moody radio is saying how God loves those kids and their families. Really? So WHERE THE HELL was God when that young man loaded up his weapons and headed toward the school!!!!!?????? Why didn’t he stop it!!!!
GOD! WHERE ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU?
Mom….please forgive me. I am not you. I can’t be you.