Wrapping paper and tape….brought me to tears….

Mom — Really?  Tape?  Wrapping paper?  Who knew these were such powerful weapons to open up the “dark side” of my soul.  Wrapping the gifts for the boys last night was so strange.  I haven’t wrapped presents in years.  You always did it for us.  You enjoyed it!  You made such a big deal about doing it in secret.  Last night after work I shopped.  I anticipated that wrapping gifts would be a trigger for my grief.  I was prepared for how I would feel doing your job….wrapping gifts….I was ready.  Then I picked up the tape….

Last year you wanted that “special” tape……do you remember?

You really, REALLY wanted the tape that fits around your hand or wrist and dispenses perfectly sized strips for wrapping gifts!  We looked all over the place for that tape!  Wherever I shopped we looked for that tape dispenser.  I remember being in KMart with you, our last Christmas shopping trip, and we looked for that tape.  No luck.

Christmas came and went.  You continued to fight cancer.  In January you started to slowly slip away from us…you spent most of your time in the hospital…..but that’s when I finally found the tape.  It was so bittersweet for me.  I tried to muster up as much “cheerleader” as possible when I brought the tape to your hospital bed.  I gave it to you and told you that you could use it next Christmas..  (hint hint….)

Did you buy it?

Was I convincing?

I knew you would never use that tape……..I’m so very sorry I didn’t find it in time for you to enjoy it.  I tried Mom.  I really did.  Forgive me?

So, last night I wrapped without using your tape.  I couldn’t bring myself to get out the bin of paper, bows, tags, and tape.  I bought one roll of paper, one package of bows, some tags and got to work.  I hope you are proud of me for getting it done….even though I had to do it without you…and I just couldn’t use your tape.

Love you Mom and miss you more than ever.

Crisis of Faith

Mom….how did you do it?  How did you keep your faith all those years?  I remember you telling me that you brought Dad to church and he ended up becoming a Christian too.  How?  I know you struggled with your feelings for our church after you and dad got divorced, but you never left God’s presence.  You kept searching for a church.  You prayed with your sisters and brother.  You never wandered into sin like drinking, smoking, swearing, lying….none of it.  You stayed true to your belief in God and His son.

I’m really struggling these days to know – really KNOW that God is real.  I feel so abandoned and lonely.  I wonder if God’s really there.  I don’t pray anymore, I don’t read the Bible, and I haven’t even been going to church.  What for?  What’s the point?  Why would I go if I don’t “live” it all week?  I’m just pretending on Sunday if I don’t live it Monday through Saturday, right?

 

How do I know all the stories are true?  David and Goliath, Moses, Noah?  Is it all a bunch of folk stories and bull shit?  Stories told to make us behave a certain way?  Stories told to unify people around a common “God” and work together?

 

Funny thing is, when someone ELSE questions this I get very defensive.  As they say in the military, the training takes over.  I do and say all the right things to defend Christianity and perpetuate the outward appearance that I BELIEVE.  But do I?

 

I started to ask God what to do about this job opportunity – as instructed — the other day and I stopped mid sentence.  Can’t do it….as Heather says I may as well be talking to the tooth fairy or Santa Claus.  (You can bet that if Heather asks me about this I will defend Jesus and my faith in his death on the cross!  I’m not going to let my crisis of faith bring HER down!)

 

I cant’ pray.

I can’t ask God for help and advice.

I listen to Christian music that used to comfort me and strengthen me but I get PISSED OFF.

 

On top of my own feelings of swirling the drain spiritually, today happened.  Kids killed at a grade school.  Really?  And Moody radio is saying how God loves those kids and their families.  Really?  So WHERE THE HELL was God when that young man loaded up his weapons and headed toward the school!!!!!??????  Why didn’t he stop it!!!!

 

GOD!  WHERE ARE YOU?  WHO ARE YOU?

ARE YOU?

 

Mom….please forgive me.  I am not you.  I can’t be you.

I’m screwed…

Mom….I can’t do this without crying.  I can’t cry in front of the boys….not on a school night………..how am I ever going to do this?  Without you, it seems I don’t know how to do anything.

cook

laundry

boys’ homework

Christmas shopping

I’m so screwed.  I’m so down these days.  I’m worn out from working so hard.  I miss you to talk to about my day……..

Crap.  Crap.  Crap. Crap.