Adam and I are spending time together tonight. He’s playing music on his laptop and playing Minecraft. So far, he has played Eminem, CCR, and Elvis’ Love me Tender. This kid sure does have a broad taste in music. Hmmmm…..wonder where he got that, Mom?
You would have been proud of us tonight! I came home from work, made dinner, took Adam’s friend home, then Adam and I both did our homework!
I made your famous casserole tonight. I had to stop making it for awhile this year….no one would eat it. I think for Adam especially it was too much of a trigger for his feelings about your death. Tonight he ate it just like he used to for you! I made a double recipe and have just enough left for him to eat tomorrow. I know it sounds silly, but it sure made me feel good.
I’ve gotten my homework done for the pst week and part of it’s done for next week. Do you see what I am doing to avoid my feelings of loss and grief? As long as I keep busy I don’t miss you too much. That’s why I’m here at the kitchen table with my laptop….I’m forcing myself to face it. I’m forcing myself to miss you fully.
But you know what? Others have reminded me that I need to think about the joy of knowing you are in such a better place! So, here goes….I am so happy for you that your struggle is over. I’m so glad you have a body that is perfect now. No more pain. No more pills. No more feeling ugly — I hope! You fought so hard…for so long, Mom. God took care of you and all those worries you had about pain and morphine. For you, time will go fast. For us, it’s dragging on and on and on…..
I also know that we will be with you again one day. (to me that sounds so hollow and empty….why don’t I “feel” that one?)
Are you really there, Mom? With God?
What’s heaven like?
Are you with Baby JJ? Is he still a baby?
Do you know what’s going to happen with this country?
Do you know when I’m going to die?
See, there I go again….slipping into the negative thinking. I don’t really want to do that but it happens.
This is hard….being without you……